I learned at a young age that I was naturally buoyant.  I don’t have to tread water or do the dead mans float to stay above water.  I can just sit there like a fishing bobber waiting for a bite.  I’m sure there’s a real smart answer for why this is possible… but I’m going to boil it down for ya… I’m FAT!

My hypothesis (that’s right I said hypothesis) is that Fat people float in water.  Not just any fat person can float… you have be super fat!  This just gives me extra confidence that if my boat goes under or my plane crashes in the ocean, I have better odds of surviving.  My feet won’t get tired of kicking because I’m just going to be chilling in the water.  I remember on the Riley swim team, that’s another post I need to write, we had these drills where we had to jump in the deep water and tread water and see who could last for the longest time without letting their head go underwater.  I always felt like I was cheating on this drill, because I didn’t even have to kick!

I came across this plus-size water life vest in Living XL and it just made me laugh because I have one built-in!

Utility Water Vest

YouTube Video

You see, when the news starts talking about “obesity” they always cut to some stock footage of a fat person walking down the street, a woman with a big butt, a guy with a beer belly sitting outside eating a cheeseburger, a fat kid dribbling a basketball. 

Everytime I hear the local news people mention “obesity” something in me fears I’m going to on that footage.

I think it all started back in 5th or 6th grade.  I remember going out to recess and seeing the news crew on the playground.  I was all excited, they recorded us while we played on the playground.  I was super excited that I was probably going to be on the news that night.  I told my parents right away.  They called my grandma to tell her to ‘”be sure to keep your eye out for Ryan on the news tonight”  Let’s just say my family was excited! We all gathered around the TV.

The news comes on. We sat through all the important stuff. They got into the local stories.  They went over the weather and then they mentioned “Childhood Obesity”…. UH OH!  Even at the age of 12, I knew that wasn’t good.  My eyes were glued to the TV showing that “stock footage” of my playground!  I was dreading seeing my chubby little legs  running around the playground.  I mean come on… I was the fattest kid in the school.  Well, luckily they never showed me.  Maybe it just would have been too obvious. Maybe the cameraman was a previous “fat kid” and knew what it was like.  Maybe I just lucked out.  Whatever it was… it’s instilled a fear in me. Deep inside me.  (Like deeper than my fear of Richard Simmons)

So, next time you see the news talking about “obesity”, be sure to keep an eye out… you never know it could be your big butt!

Here’s a great example of a “roomy” toilet! Thanks Carraba’s in Mishawaka, IN.

You get the NoSweatpants.com seal of approval!