Tomorrow is Halloween and I have a costume party to go to.  This always happens to me… I can’t think of anything to dress up as!  My options are limited.  It’s not like I can be just any character. 

• The costumes in the stores just don’t fit!  No matter how much I look I can’t just go grab a costume from the local “Halloween shop” 

• Sure, I can get a mask, but what about the rest of the ensemble?  When all your clothes are super expensive (I just bought a pair of “cheap jeans” for $50).  Who can afford to get an outfit for just one night?

• I know what you’re saying… go to Goodwill or Salvation Army… IT WON’T WORK!  Fat people don’t give up their old clothes.  (More on that in a future blog post) 

• So, I’m stuck without being able to buy a costume.  But, even if I could buy a costume I wouldn’t look anything like the real character… I would be a HUGE version of the real character with disproportional features.

• It sucks that skinny people can get “fat suits” and it’s funny.

 

• When fat guys dress up as “normal guys” it’s gross. (But still sorta funny)

 

So, my last option is to find a character that is fat, right?  Well, there’s not much to choose from! 

1. Chris Farley – DEAD and way overdone.  I mean “fat guy in a little coat” is a bit overplayed!
2. Fat Bastard from Austin Powers – No Thanks! I can’t tell you how many times I was teased with “Get in my Belly” after that movie came out.
3. A Biggest Loser Contestant (before the show) – Maybe!
4. Fat Albert – I’m white.
5. Santa – BORING!!! Plus, you have to deal with all these kids and what they want for Christmas

To be absolutely honest, what I want to be this Halloween is Peter Griffin from Family Guy.  I could pull it off pretty easily, but what about the green pants?  They are pretty crucial!

 

But, since I don’t have any green pants… I’m probably just going to do something pretty trashy (pun intended).  I’m going to go get one of those giant orange pumpkin trash bags that you put leaves in.  I’m going to cut holes in it and wear it. It’s cheap.  It will fit. It won’t take much time… it’s perfect!  I’ll post pics after the party!

Got any ideas for me for next year?  (Without having to spend a ton of money)

I’m not sure if this is a normal thing for my “obese-buddies” but I worry I’m going to be on T.V. 

You see, when the news starts talking about “obesity” they always cut to some stock footage of a fat person walking down the street, a woman with a big butt, a guy with a beer belly sitting outside eating a cheeseburger, a fat kid dribbling a basketball. 

Everytime I hear the local news people mention “obesity” something in me fears I’m going to on that footage.

I think it all started back in 5th or 6th grade.  I remember going out to recess and seeing the news crew on the playground.  I was all excited, they recorded us while we played on the playground.  I was super excited that I was probably going to be on the news that night.  I told my parents right away.  They called my grandma to tell her to ‘”be sure to keep your eye out for Ryan on the news tonight”  Let’s just say my family was excited! We all gathered around the TV.

The news comes on. We sat through all the important stuff. They got into the local stories.  They went over the weather and then they mentioned “Childhood Obesity”…. UH OH!  Even at the age of 12, I knew that wasn’t good.  My eyes were glued to the TV showing that “stock footage” of my playground!  I was dreading seeing my chubby little legs  running around the playground.  I mean come on… I was the fattest kid in the school.  Well, luckily they never showed me.  Maybe it just would have been too obvious. Maybe the cameraman was a previous “fat kid” and knew what it was like.  Maybe I just lucked out.  Whatever it was… it’s instilled a fear in me. Deep inside me.  (Like deeper than my fear of Richard Simmons)

So, next time you see the news talking about “obesity”, be sure to keep an eye out… you never know it could be your big butt!

As I said in my last post I flew to England recently.  Oh boy, was it an adventure!

Let’s start off at the airport in Indianapolis.  I get there and the lady at check-in tells me that there are like 7 empty seats around me.  So here I am feeling good – thinking that I’m going to be able to stretch out on this 1 hour flight to Detroit.  SHE LIED.  The plane was full.  I boarded early to make sure I got to my seat and didn’t have to make the walk of shame.  When I got on the plane I did my normal procedure.

1. Tell the flight attendant that I will be needing a seat belt extender.  (Because I’m too poor to buy one)
2. Find my seat.
3. Put the aisle armrest up. (yes, they go up.  SHHH… It’s top secret)
4. Pack myself into the seat.

When the other passengers boarded I was patiently awaiting for my seat-mate to find me and to see his/her expression.  Much to my surprise, he didn’t look surprised.  He looked like he was too high to care.  He was rocking out to some Rock n’ Roll on his antique headphones.  A guy behind me was jealous that I had put my arm rest up and he wanted to know how I did it.  The flight attendant was also shocked that it went up!  Apparently, this is a little known secret.  A little known secret that I hold dear to my heart. 
The one thing about the armrest secret is that it’s got to be down during take-off & landing.  So for those 10 minutes I have to scrunch up & suck it up.  The guy next to me didn’t seem to mind that I took up 1/4 of his seat for that time.  As soon as we were up in the air… the guy in front of me jammed his seat back into my knee.  It took all my restraint not to punch him in the back of his dirty head.  I did let out a “OK, that hurt!” but he didn’t seem to notice.  Once I calmed myself down from the abuse I had endured, I raised the aisle armrest back up and once again stretched out.  The plane ride was over in less than an hour.  So it wasn’t too bad.

The plane ride from to Detroit to London was the one I was worried about.  I must say, God took care of me!  I had 2 seats all to myself to and from London!  It was an amazing thing.  The Northwest Gate crews were able to move people around to have an open seat next to me!  I am extremely grateful! (A special thanks goes out to the “small-yet-fat” guy @ the Detroit airport.

I was able to snap couple of pictures on the plane…

This is a shot of me stretched out into my 2nd seat!!  That’s right.  I am a seat dominator!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a new feature that I hadn’t seen before… Adjustable headrests!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is me after “emptying the tank” in the bathroom made for midgets!  (I should get a special pass to the Mile High Club just for my efforts)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once I landed in England.  The adventures continued… here are 2 pictures of me and small cars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also found this store called Fat Face – Much to my chagrin, they didn’t have any clothes for fat people. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a blast on my trip.  I didn’t see many other big people. 
But, I was able to make friends with some skinny people.  (Believe it or not)

So, this is what I’ve come to realize…  I might just be too big for England.  I’m not sure.